Are you a "faster" or not?

Now Modi is fasting.

What is with this fast? Everybody who's anybody is related to the fasting wagon, you are either on it or off it. Like how you are either a muggle or a wizard.

Ask yourself this question, Are you a "faster" or not?

But how do you decide?
Fear Not! Help is here.

Given below are some of the common characterstics of fasters, based on a study conducted by the FAN-D(Fasters Association of Northern Dehradun)

1) A "faster" takes fancy to confined places. One of his short term goals is to go to jail, for a short time.

2) He is very moody. One day, he's fine with all the religious crap going on around him, next day, he gets all secular.

3) A faster has a group of fasters along with him, who are ready to fast at the drop of a hat.

4) A faster fasts unto death. or unto the time somebody takes him to the hospital and forcefully injects glucose into his body. Sometimes, the time period may vary. It may also last from late morning to early afternoon, depending on the media coverage of the event.

5) A faster should be very careful. There are fast-crashers who may come in flaunting their yoga bellies and try to take unwanted credit.

6) A faster's career is very unstable. It shines in a short period of time, where everyone including Sachin Tendulkar and Rakhi Sawant is supporting your cause, carrying candles and matchsticks and what not around town, and then boom, one bomb blast happens in the national capital and soon, you are forgotten.

7) A faster needs patience. Usually, a fast is real slow. It sometimes gets boring, so they have to be open to all kinds of entertainment, including dance performances by former-lady cops and dialogues by buddha-actors.

8) A faster can be famous or relatively unknown. He can support a cause or purport one. He can either be educated or as illiterate as a cow There is no eligibility criteria in India to be a faster, this is primarily to give a chance to our wonderful politicians who are the archetypal heads of this society.

9) Most importantly, a faster should be talented enough to make the people forget about the actual cause and dilly-dally in huge playgrounds for days at a time. Its not a difficult task, believe me!

When you exhibit some of the charaterstics stated above, the FAND will search for you and induct you into their secret society, it is in the same league as the Freemasons or the Illuminati. You will be discovered, and probably a reality show will be made based on you, when the fizz starts to fizzle out. So be prepared, cause the fasters are coming and they are furious!

How and why an actor can get his mistress banned

Today, as a producer/director/screenwriter/spotboy of the Kannada film Industry, I'm taking on the responsibility of making it world famous. Here is a shaart introduction:

Welcome to Sandalwood, or Kafi (Kannada Film Industry), or more conveniently called Kapi (Pronounced as 'Copy')

This is the most wonderful film industry in the south of Vindhyas. Though we don't boast of super hits or revenue collections, we have the most amazing library of films. We make our own movies, great movies. Don't you remember Mungaru male? If you are an ignorant to our industry, which is very unlikely (Ahem!), Let me tell you, Mungaru malhe was released in Karnataka in the summer of 2006. The director in a fit of hitherto-unforeseen creativity made this movie with a little known TV actor in the lead. People woke up to the movie, even self-respecting middle class people who run away from theatres playing our movies. That was our cornerstone, from then onwards we decided to give the people what they want. They want rain, so we give them rain. We have made hundreds of movies with the same concept, but sadly, people are so fickle minded, they don't want it anymore.

As for music in our movies, great stalwarts like Sonu Nigam sing in all our movies. Sonu is so adept at singing our tunes, it sometimes feels like you are listening to the same song you heard 2 days back, but no. It is a different one.That is our secret. All the tunes are same. You see, this song called "Anisuthide" from mungaru male became a hit, so we decided to use the same tune in all other movies. What with us being in epicentre of software industry, Bangalore, we have learnt a trick or two from them. We adopted their golden rule in our industry: Cut, Copy, Paste.

As for plots in our movies, our only mantra is, when there is rain, who needs anything else? But apparently, these days, they do. Stupid people, we can't read their minds. So we have given up.

Nowadays, we have diversified our business, since film-making is not running so well. Kapi has collaborated with the Khap panchayat and trying to dictate terms to people who are even remotely concerned with our industry, if I can call it that (maybe, it can pass off for a cottage industry). So, like I was saying, it is in everybody's interest that we dictate our terms, sometimes an insecure child has to be given all the attention it is seeking. So our first activity was to ban acttress Nikita because she was "allegedly" having an affair with our Poor "Challenging Star" Darshan. You see, Darshan being a very innocent boy was forced by Nikita to brutally harass and batter his wife Vijayalakshmi. We DO NOT encourage such behavior. This is a family-oriented industry you see.So we are going to ban her. Confused? Let me explain..

We banned Nikita. How dare she carry an affair in her own personal time and life? It is just not right!!
We thought of banning Darshan, but you see, lots of money is running on him right now, and what with us nearly being bankrupt, we cannot afford it. Anyway, it is easier to import some B-grade or TV actress from the north than replace a dumbass, pot-bellied, ugly looking actor, oh wait! that is easy too. Well, we don't wanna lose money.

But these people are always behind our lives. They just don't want their own language to prosper, all we are getting is brickbats for our novel Kapi-khap. I guess, maybe we will have to take it further. We'll have to take a bold step of asking women to stop acting. That'll make people respect us We can't keep losing our honour like this. Yes, that will be our next step. Anyway, when we have beautiful men like Sadhu Kokila who can dress up and pass off as women, why do we need them?

Yes, yes, that is my next agenda for the JPD meeting(Jobless Producers and Directors) ..I'm going to note it down.

Till then you people watch this comedy scene, sorry action sequence in Jogayya

Disclaimer: Being a life-long Kannada lover, I'm saddened by what is happening in this industry. There is absolutely nothing good coming out of it from a long time and now they are involving in such ridiculous activities, it is such a shame. People like Puttanna Kanagal must be turning in their graves seeing the present state of affairs.

How the bald soprano blew my mind

The first play I went to watch. The bold soprano. Its an absurd play. How absurd can absurd get?.I laugh at the jokes for the first five minutes. Then it begins to unravel, or wait, does it? I don't quite understand. There is an english couple. There is a maid dressed as a fairy. There is another couple. There is a fireman. What is happening? I'm not sure. They exchange stories which do not make sense. At the end when I'm about to pull my hair out, they start to babble. They talk shit, literally. The hall is filled with relatives and friends of the actors, how else can one explain the unflinching patience? It finally ends. I secretly wish that everyone is as clueless as I'm. Turns out I'm right. Maybe, we are not pseudo-intellectual enough to appreciate it.

Sanity prevails.

Bol - A movie that asked me to speak up

Today I watched Bol, a movie which has been praised over and over again, by the so called "critics". It is a movie with a social message so maybe these maniacs are going over board with their accolades. Before I tell my opinion about this movie, I just wanna think aloud. What is a movie's fundamental duty, whether it is a no-brainer or an offbeat one?

It has to keep the audience awake. Yes that's right!

So what if the movie is packed with so great a message that it can blow your mind out, for that to happen, you should be remotely interested in what the characters are ambling about.

I may be village bumpkin where international cinema is concerned, but I have seen a few foreign films on that channel World movies and even though most of the times I couldn't understand a word they were saying, the movies were so engaging. Whereas today,the familiarity of language didn't save me from the mind numbing boredom.

The central theme of the movie's simple. If killing someone is a crime, so is giving birth to someone who you cannot take care of. Okay, we get it. There are two ways to say it. Either say it subtly and make the viewer think about it long after the movie is over, or poison him in such high quantities that it gives him nightmares when he even tries to think of it the next time. The director sadly chooses the latter option, it feels as if he is deliberately punishing us with the same boredom that encapsulates the jobless daughters in the movie.

I read rave reviews about the Pakistani actress Hummaima malik's acting, but I prefer to call it over-acting. Watching her in the scene where she is dragged by the jailers, it felt like Meena Kumari has had a posthumous comeback. I just wanna tell Hummaima, "Woman! it is 2011, not 1950! Even Rakhi Sawant emotes better than you",  and as for Atif, its best if he stuck to his singing career, before that also goes kaput.

Movies like these are supposed to move you emotionally, not out of the theatre. Anyway, if Bollywood churns social-msg laden gems like Aarakshan etc, what can one expect from lollywood?

The movie's first dialogue's delivered by the stone faced Atif where he says bad things happen because we don't speak up.

So here I'm speaking up.

Stop making dabba boring movies in the name of activism. We are wasting our money here!

The Bench

You are every Engineer's dream,
every Engineer's nightmare,
You come and you go,
like the passing of wind,
from an obese behind,

Sometimes you stink,
sometimes you rock,
Oh! Why do you torture me like this?
I'm losing my mind because of your fits,

When work drives me to death,
you play hard to get,
When I'm sickly idle,
you nag me like a menopausal spouse,

Why? Oh why, dear Bench?
Why do you raise such a stench?

Why is the girl pissed?

Girl will break somebody's head if she has to go through another "ladka-dekhna" sessions.

Here's why:

Step 1:
Girl's family decides on a "family restaurant" and invites the boy's family.

Step 2:
Girl's family comes, waits for Prince Charming and his family. They turn up fashionably late, what with being the proud owners of a fully functional male specimen. Both the families exchange pleasantries,

Step 3:
The most important step: Inane conversation, it can be anything say, about the weather in the city or how exquisite the Gulab Jamoons that they ordered taste. It can also be about the scarf that somebody has to buy, it can well be a discussion about anything, but mind you,it cannot be about the matter at hand.

A typical conversation goes like this:

"Oh! Traffic in Bangalore is getting worse day by day, don't know what is going to happen in a few years from now", says BF (Boy's father)

BM smiles. It is her cue.

GM and GF also smile.

Girl and Boy are clueless.

"Ya tell me about it. My son, he goes to whitefield daily. Poor thing, gets so tired by the time he comes home", GM says.

BM and BF smile sympathetically and say that Prince Charming also does the same thing everyday.

Boy and Girl are clueless.

"So, tell me, where do you work?" GF asks Boy.

Boy proudly declares he slaves around for some MNC.

BF and BM's eyes shine with pride.

Girl is clueless.

"So, what do you do on weekends?", BM asks girl.

Everybody is clueless.

Please, Oh pretty please tell me,tell me how? How can anyone make their life altering decision based on the weekend activities of the girl or the traffic in Bangalore??

Finally, with smiles that would remind someone of the expressions they had when they were trying to control uncontrollable diarrhoea, the crowd decides that maybe the girl and boy may have something to talk about which does not concern things like the food habits of tribals in North Karnataka.

Girl and Boy are still clueless. They move to a table nearby, but mind you, it is in the vicinity of dear lifesavers. They do not want them to indulge in respect-losing activities like talk freely, maybe.

Anyway, They shake hands.

Before I say any further, I'd like to tell you an anecdote about software engineers in Bangalore.

Bangalore's beggars and software engineers ask each other the same question, "Which platform do you work on?"

This is the exact question the boy asks the girl as they sit down.

God save the girl!

Our Son Anna

***Softman returns, this time in the form of Vinay..for a higher dosage of softman, please check out
Softman and the manager, Chronicles of Softman***


I take little Anna in my arms. I feel pukish calling my baby that. I laughed at that article last week in TOI and now my damn baby is called Anna. Believe me, it was not my idea. In some foolish romantic moment I had given Vinay the freedom to name our kid whatever he wished and now, I so regret it.

I tried arguing with Vinay, still in the process, I will not give up. I'll be strong.

He has convinced me to go to freedom park with him in some silly hope that I'll get so inspired by all the hullabaloo and I myself will name my kid Anna. I don't know about inspiration but I heard Lakshmi aunty from next road say that they are selling very good pani puri in one of the stalls there. Oh how I love pani puri! I have been forbidden from eating all junk food ever since the fateful conception. Maybe, I'll jump off his guard and polish off a plate today.

He is honking. Always impatient. He's wearing his striped blue shirt that Chimpu mama gifted on our 1st year wedding anniversary. He looks dapper. Though he's getting a slight paunch, its nowhere close to my kangaroo pouch. We've planned to leave the baby in Mom's house as we head out. I'm sick and tired of his uncontrollable weeping. Maybe he knows his name already. I don’t know how many times I’ve to stress on the fact that no self respecting kid should be forced with that name. All I can do now is to manipulate him to change it to Ankit or Anish or something after this whole drama dies down. Sometimes I fail to understand Vinay, he's doing all this anticorruption activism, even going to rallies on weekdays when he has to be sleeping at his desk or eating in the cafeteria like a good ol' software engineer has to, seriously I've never seen him get so involved in anything. For god’s sake, the man takes even sex so casually, it took us a good 4 yrs to seal the deal even though I'd so deviously tried to avoid all types of contraception. Maybe its that Amit's doing, all he ever talks about is the government anyway. He must have influenced him for sure.

We are stuck in Jayanagar now. Still a long way to go, maybe I should talk to him, but he'll think that I'm melting. No, this is just fine. No Anna for my baby.

"Why can't you just think about the greater cause for once? Why don't you want our son to be a part of this history that's being written?", He looks at me as we cross the red signal.

"Oh yeah? In that case you should've been named Indira Gandhi." I yell back, it made better sense in my mind. Am I losing touch? Snide comments, come out soon.

"Look I've explained to you many times. This issue is really close to my heart.Do you know how much I've suffered because of corruption? Do you remember my classmate, that bloody Bala, the one who wore a white safari suit to our wedding?"

"Ya, Of course who wouldn’t?, he looked like he jumped off midway from a Jeetendra movie"

"Yeah the same guy. We both had got interviews from the Karnataka Power Transmission Corp. The only two guys from our class. I was so excited. It was my dream job. 9 to 5 routine, which can be compressed to 11 to 3..free electricity, lifelong security, long tea breaks, zero coding, palm greasing etc..aah bliss, I thought, but then that stupid Bala, he paid some 3k bribe to some stupid agent and he got the job. I wish I'd known that agent. He has a lot of influence"

"Oh you poor baby, I didn't know there was such a tragic history behind this issue. It must've been difficult for you” I say sarcastically before adding,” but there is no way in hell I’m gonna let you make our son pay for that male Mohini’s fault."

"Why can't you support me for once? Don’t you know how hard I've been working for this campaign? I was up an entire night trying to write a program to automate the playlist that needs to be played during the next day's rally. You saw that blooper on TV9 know? The one where accidentally Sheela ki Jawani started playing in between? Everybody in my office is laughing at me now and those campaign people, they just scrapped off 500 lines of precious code without even consulting me once. Look Sunitha, I'm really stressed. I need this to know that I'm really helping the nation to cure the evil that is corruption!"

"I don't know. I will not let you do this. No No NO!!"

"Okay, look”, He makes a face that he usually does when he’s at Shanta aunty’s house and she’s forcing him to gobble up all thats left on the table, “I didn't wanna tell you this because you'll freak out but listen, I'm doing this because I need to do something. Amit's almost on the verge of quitting so that he can attend the fast without interruption, Varun has organised a cycling rally in ITPL, Ramya is planting some random seeds in our garden and calling it the "The green Anna movement", I have got to do something! "

"What?? Why?"

"Because...because, I don't know what else to do. Everybody is talking the same shit, its like it is not enough nowadays if you are sitting and pretending to work. You've got to pretend to something outside of work also and the worst part is you've got to pretend to be passionate about it. That is how it is, otherwise there is no use. Manager will ask me during the annual review what I did for our nation to deserve the promotion. What'll I tell him? Have you forgotten the IT industry?"

"Ya, you are right. Why can't you just write a proper code to automate that horrid playlist?" Immediately, I find myself laughing at that statement.

"Shut up. Very funny. Okay anyway, lets make a deal. We'll call him Anna for sometime, let it be a nickname. I know it sounds funny. People may ask, yaaranna? (Who's brother?) but atleast the humiliation will be limited to our house. Lets decide what to name him when he goes to school, okay?"

"I can't believe you are doing this to your son for an appraisal that you are not even sure of"

"Just think about it Sunitha, if I do this then I outshine everyone. Babies are way cooler than any fast, or cycles or plants. That Manager will definitely be eating out of my hands"

"Hmmm"

"Besides, remember that diamond necklace you were drooling at the other day in Chemmanur? I was thinking maybe after the appraisal I can afford it"

"Wait, are you trying to bribe me?", I ask as hundreds of people surround the car. The rally is in full swing.

"What? Noo. Are you crazy? Get down now, we are here. Take those banners and flags from the dickey. I think I'm going to fast today."