Conversations that "Lift" you up

The lift is a weird place. You stay there not longer than, say 3 minutes, i.e if either the building has a lot of floors, or the lift is broken. Usually, its because of both. Anyway, it comes in between conversations. You are talking in the lobby, in the middle of the most animated conversation ever. You are telling your friend about the insanest thing you ever heard. You just finished saying, "You know what my childhood neighbour's aunt's brother......" and then suddenly here is the lift. It opens and there is usually atleast one person more than its maximum weight capacity, and yet the liftman graciously lets you and your friend in. Now, the cycle just breaks. And so you go, and start whispering into her ear "You know what my childhood neighbour's aunt's brother......" and then the aunty in front of you, turns back and gives you a look that suggests, "Can you see this rock of a baby I'm carrying? If I could, I'd just pound you with it." You know she is hormonal and all, so you just forget it, and start counting the number of floors still to go. 

Then in the next floor, enters Manager uncle. And you thank your stars, because pregnant/slightly overweight aunty leaves. You again start in the same style, "You know whaaaaaaaaaaaaat". But wait, Manager uncle has to stop you midway. See his crony who is stuck to his butt has propped up to hear the great Manager's 007 type escapades around the world. So the hero in spotlight starts, "You know my fyavorite place is the Switzerland cow shed. I stayed there once when I had gone onsite for an assignment. My god! The weather, the cows, the smell. Just so amazing. And, also the treehouse they accaamadated me in my recent visit to the States." You cringe your nose at the "Larn English Ascent in 20 days" style of speaking, as the Headweight in shining armor, goes on with his story. "You asking me about India? Myan, I don't know much. I hyaven't stepped outside Bangalore" You are just about to lose it when another floor arrives. Manager boy doesn't get down, and this time a group of freshers arrive.

Now you just can't control and you have to tell her the story. You are crammed between three fat bench boys and two in-the-making-Bipasha's when you decide to try again "You knowwwww". That's when the freshers realise they didn't mark their attendance. All hell breaks loose. They remove their collective phones from their pockets and start calling up their friends asking them to mark proxy. Then the whole lift starts dancing to the tunes of "Chikni Chameli", "Sheela ki Jawani", "Burfi Murfi" and a paraphrenalia of shrill songs when suddenly they realise they called each other up. Ahem. So again, Madness. They start using the lift buttons as their personal mobile phones and tap every button on the board. Exactly at this moment, the first drop of tear just starts to drip down your left eye, but thankfully the liftman throws them out. You feel the atmosphere thinning. And yet, you have two more floors to go.

Well, this unfortunate floor also hosts the cafeteria and hence, there is another large stuffed-to-the-throat crew arriving, and you almost gasp for breath in the midst of the overbearing aromas, and with the last of the will that you can muster you just blurt out, "You know what my childhood neighbour's aunt's brother eloped with my milkman". Now, everybody just stops and looks at you because they obviously only heard, "Elope with my milkman", and they just stare and stare, and that's when you realise your friend got out of the lift two floors ago.

Now, for me the ordeal ended with this. But wait, it gets worse if you are a guy.

Two and a half movies - Mine!

Its been a long time. I need to make fun of somebody or something just to make me feel better. Its not that big a problem. I just watched Raaz 3 recently and Boy! Wasn't it scary!. For Bollywood's future. If Hindi cinema goes the same way, soon A grade movies will be B grade, C grade will be D grade and let me go ahead and recite the alphabet for you. I have never watched a horror movie in my life. I used to get scared listening to Aahat's theme music, and I was literally ROFLing in Raaz 3 initially. After a point, I simply wanted to ROF so that I could avoid watching Bipasha basu's awful dance moves. Who choreographed the movie? Usain Bolt's personal trainer?? And What's with Emraan Hashmi doing Karate with a ghost?? It was really scary.

A week passed, I forgot and forgave the movie like I always do. I'm a saint. Then came Barfi. Every damn ant was praising it on FB. Barfi is the best movie ever. Barfi is magical and shit like that. I thought what the hell and went to watch it. So, I was sitting in the theatre with my ultra large tub of overpriced damp popcorn on my lap, waiting to be blown away just like my fashionably chubby schoolmate Lakku Lakshmibai gasped on FB. It blew me away, she said. I figured it would literally take a lot to blow her away, and I'd be relatively easy. Oh! I was excited. Maybe it'd be another Dil Chahta Hai. I had waited ten years. Ten long years. I needed to be blown away. Please Bollywood, I thought. The movie started. And it ended. And I was right there. I just can't point out what's wrong with the movie. Yes Ranbir has acted well, Priyanka not so much, and Ileana looks like a dream. But can we make a movie out of a hundred perfect moments? Hmmm, Don't think so. I already know who's carrying home this year overrated filmfare award for best actor Male. Its Bipasha Basu for Raaz 3. So better luck next time, Ranbir.

Anyway, in the long hiatus I had taken from blogging, I made a short film. Since I make fun of every movie I watch, I give you guys the pleasure of ripping my movie apart. Go ahead.

PS: Pleease be kind, Please, please, I beg you..I'm crying, I swear