The family that calls together, stays together

31 comments
Needless to say, I come from a crazy family. An ultra-paranoid Dad, a comically funny mom, and an eternally disinterested brother. I'm sure most families are crazy, even though we are taught from time immemorial to look at and love our families more seriously and solemnly than Manmohan singh's unchanging expression. But lets face it, everyone is crazy in his or her own way, and hence a family, whichever it is, is collectively bonkers.

Along with my own nuclear nincompoops, my extended family is made of specimens who can put the family in Arrested Development to shame. I have a 55 year old uncle who thinks he is a dude and every girl is giving him come-hither looks, I have an aunt who has rediscovered haircuts at 60, I have cousins who have tried to sell their bikes to mango vendors in the pursuit of god-knows-what, cousins who have got married at 17 and are right now, one step away from being grandmoms at 40, cousins who have flunked 10th grade and say they are doing M.Com to whichever lucky soul that pops the inevitable question, a grandmom who is on the eternal train from one place to another and gives us an STD call once a month. So basically, everyone is a nut case.

This family of mine also has an obsession. Marriage. No one, and I mean not even a louse on my nephew's head, cares if you are an IITian, Salman Khan or even if you are Atal Bihari Vajpayee himself, unless you are married. And they are not even sexist. Men and women are treated alike if they are not married by the "old" age of 23.

Their single handed, doubtless trust in the occasion of a marriage is astounding. Whether they care about the institution is another question. I mean, who cares whether the bride and groom like each other or not, In my family, we all just want to wear our Kanjeevaram sarees, and diamond necklaces and strut around in the reception.

We also have one more hobby. A pretty jobless one.

My mom's siblings have a habit of calling each other up atleast five times a day. Every single time, they talk for atleast a half hour. I don't know what they talk, as soon as the phone sings or rings or whatever, I'm away from there faster than roadrunner, their talks are intolerable. You see, my four uncles have their shops on the same road, and everyday is like a TV serial for them. But because, thankfully, TV9 is not in the business of relaying family affairs, its left to the humble abode of Idea. And since, they haven't yet woken up to the advanced concept of conference calls, they need to call up everyone and repeat it.

So this is the essential formula,

Let us consider there is one fresh gossip that sibling one has got to know.

Total no. of siblings =7

Let us assume one sibling has to tell this to atleast three siblings.

Also assuming, my mom is one of the first ones to know. So, call no.1
Now, she has to call another one and relay it. Call no.2
Then, in between she gets a call from another one who presumes she doesn't know about it. Call no.3
Now, she has to discuss about it with both her sisters. Call no.4 and 5
Then, one sibling offers an entire different story. Everyone go into a frenzy and the circle repeats, and the rest of us who are with the fateful sibling at home or park or movie theatre, wherever the hell this drama is going on, are eating/pulling their hair out in frustration.

Whenever Abhishek Bachchan says, "What an Idea, sirji", All I want to do is kick his nuts so hard that he skyrockets all Idea call rates to finance his nut-reconstruction surgery. I mean, what is the point of weird happy family offers, that's driving individual families insane.

Yes, I have a mental family, but as my mom puts it, "Poor K uncle, you know what happened Kee, it seems blah blah blah blah blah blah". All I can say is she articulated it well, but unfortunately Seinfeld was articulating things better and I got carried away.

Wait! I have another one. As those kids from the psycho Khichdi family say, "Bade log, Bade log!"

31 comments:

  1. Whattey howler of a post - more than made up for your long absence :D.

    Cheers :)

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    1. Good to kno someone missed me..:)..thnx :)

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  2. LOL :P adult children of normal parents :P :P
    ADAM"S FAMILY eh...
    after a long time, reading your post with a blast :)
    where is your leave letter girl ?

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    1. Leave letter?? :)..Let my leave be a mystery :D

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  3. Haha, first off i'm glad to be reading another post from your blog after a long time. and second off, family drama over phone calls... it happens everywhere. Even my mother and her 2 sisters go on and on about god-knows-what things on the phone for hours together. Nice post :)

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    1. Thank you :D..Yeah, I absolutely have no idea what they go on about!

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  4. ouch.. that will hurt poor abhishek bachan I am sure all that kick and surgery .. cum on dont do this to him :)

    SO you are back and what a lovely article, I am sure i say that to every article you write.. ah well I need to learn some new words now ..

    total number of siblings = 7 .. aye shabaashe SAME here.. My mum's side 7 of them so I know what you are saying , thank god I am in UK now away from all that .. but even then I am getting stressed because a cousin is getting married on 9th and he too is in uk and so who is the next in line to know the gossip etc MOI...

    my answering machine is full up of one lines these days , different voices "Maasi from Delhi, CALL BACK".. "MAMA from village, call back".. and no no its not in english its in punjabi :)


    I thought i had a weird family but thank you, I know i am not alone, and 7 siblings of mum means each has on average 2 kids , so thats at least 14 kids , who are all married other then 2 .. and have wifes my lovely bhabhi's SO you know how much my phone rings ..

    GOD i got to go home and listen to those voice mails again .. I am staying in a hotel tonight ...

    Bikram's

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    1. So basically everyone has a weird family! and being in India, and with the hundred thousand family gathering, it gets weirder..but it is kinda fun :)..thanks for ur wonderful comment :)

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  6. ooh what a way to vent all yr anger frustration abt yr family....:P :D , most Indian conservative families are alike , we are so close that we tend to suffocate each other..., hilarious as usual nice comeback post :)

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    1. Not anger..not even frustration, just wanted to make fun of them :D

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  7. I read first few lines, n already found a connection...India is independent since 60 yrs but persons aren't, may be they don't know wat to do with their freedom, may be thousands choices n possibilities baffles them, they were never used to it....how easy is it to broaden one's mind once it becomes rigid, thats d question ??... off. course I get d humour part in ur post..n d punch in d nut-carcking lines(pun) lol...if there was a like button like fb, I wuda hit it :)

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    1. Those are some profound thoughts..I don't know if I thought about them while writing..but makes sense to me :)

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  8. Hahaha!! Missed your crazily funny posts. So glad you are back. That Abhishek Bachchan joke was hit where it hurts the most! :D Ouch! ;-)
    And shall I assume you are the one sitting in the back row in that Adult Children of Normal Parents pic?! :D

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    1. Hahah..my parents are pretty much normal :P..if my mom reads this, she'll kill me!

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  9. All I want to say is, my mom just finished talking to her siblings for today. My mom being the decision maker/tie breaker, she makes a couple of calls extra to ensure she has the complete info before she does the ruling. But then, it's kinda fun to listen to the story.

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  10. That was hilarious. I have to find better words than ROFL, rip-roaring etc etc.. You have such a fantastic sense of humor. And it reminded me a bit of my own family’s craziness. :)

    And omg.. Poor Abhishek Bachchan! :P You just killed him.

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    1. Thank you Raj..hadn't written anything for a while and was feeling rusty..glad that u liked it :)

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  11. Hi

    That was hilarious....And true, every family as its own version of craziness :D and 'skyrockets all Idea call rates to finance his nut-reconstruction surgery' was simply superb ha ha :D

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  12. Hehehe!
    Another AWESOME post :D.
    Ofcourse everyone is crazy :D.
    I remember a kannada saying >> Ellara mane dose nu toote :P.

    BTW Good to see you back :D.
    Was waiting for your post :D.

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    1. Oh ya..I know that saying and it is soo true!..:)

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  13. hahaha...an awesome one... :) :) :)

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  14. a real hilarious one!enjoyed!

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  15. Hey Keertana Ji,

    Would you be interested in taking part in IBL? Indian Bloggers League.
    We have a team of Bangalore, and were wondering if you could join us :).

    If yes, Please leave me a mail at poojajain0511@yahoo.com or at FB http://www.facebook.com/Pooji.D.Princess

    The details can be found here http://www.facebook.com/groups/IBLeague/

    Thanks You,
    Pooja

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  16. Marriage is a national obsession. The crazier the family, the greater the obsession!

    Another damn witty post!

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  17. I love your family,what bliss to have so many siblings to connect to...& i am sure that you wouldn't have it any other way!

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  18. that was so funny and it reminded me of my family...hahaha...trust me every family is crazy even those which seems to be sensible from outside, the more we get to know them, it becomes crazier!!!

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  19. Hehhe. A hilarious one.

    I mean ya, every family is crazy in it's own way. But this crazy family only will be there with you when no one will be there on your side. You'll remember each of those craziest things that bore you or irritate you.

    Even the fights amongst you siblings will be missed some day.

    I mean I am staying away from my family since 3 years now and I know what I miss every moment. My family. Even though I tell my mom that i don't get time to miss anyone, whenever she asks me if I do, I know how much in my heart I miss them.

    Anyways…mast post hai ji!!

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