The Cat and the Bollywood Bedtime story

 So, Kaamu asked me to tell her a bed time story.

I started with this,

"Long long ago, so long ago, that even I can't fathom how long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a girl called Cinderella..."

"Nooooo...I don't want to hear such girlie stuff"

"Okay what about Puss in Boots?"

"No, I know that one!! Tell me something with Action, like that Salman Khan movie Dabangg"

Oh god! The movies are eating up this cat’s brains too

I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast. One thing a foolish cat asks me to do, and that also I can't Shame on me

"Okay Kaamu, Do you want to know how “Wanted” came into existence, your favorite movie!"

"There is a story behind it?? Yes, yes, please tell me"

I started off, thinking of all the nincompoop that only I can come up with and fed the cat this story:

“It was a cold evening in Mumbai, sometime in the last decade.

A congregation of the best Hindi film directors.

Chairing the occasion was Kamaal Rashid Khan, one of the stalwarts of Indian Cinema, director of the cult classic, "Desh Drohi". The film was such a classic that Kamaal Rashid is scared to make another movie, he is not sure if he'll be able to match himself.

What is a congregation? What is a classic? The cat kept asking. I ignored all her questions, I wanted to keep the flow going.

"Let’s start", says Kamaal Rashid, breaking a glass for effect.

They did what they always do. Round up of all the movies of all languages conceivable, swahili cinema was popular among them. None knew why, maybe because half of them slept and the rest were busy gaping at the tribal women.

Yaawn

Suddenly a voice booms, It was Vikram Bhatt, another great man. 

"I heard a rumor. Abbas-Mustan have decided to make Italian Job in Hindi with Abhishek Bachchan, Bobby Deol and Sonal Kapoor. Nobody can beat that amazing combination. I think its time for us to give up. We need to think of a new strategy now that Hollywood is no longer our ballgame"

"What about Swahili movies? Our favorite", piped in Subhash Ghai, who introduced the legend Mahima Choudhary to Indian Cinema.

"No, they won't work. They are too well known, we may not be able to live up to their standards. Lets think of something that touches the hearts of our audience. I know!What about South Indian Cinema, they seem to rake up money with all the dishum dishum and senseless drama", said Laffu, a new entrant.

Their minds started working faster than Chacha Chaudhary's brains which usually works faster than a computer.

"Let’s give it a try. My neighbour Rani aunty watched a Telugu movie "Pokiri", and apparently it’s a super duper hit film down south. I'm calling dibs on it", said Prabhu Deva.

Who's this fellow? Why is here when he should be dancing around with a thunder thighed belle somewhere in the gallies of chennai was the collective silent reaction, but no one dared to say it.

They searched high and dry in their DVD library, proudly maintained by Arbaaz Khan, who is still given a monthly salary of Rs.51 for this gracious task of his. It constitutes his main income, most of which goes to clothe and feed himself. His wife Malaika needs neither.

The found it, they found Pokiri. They excitedly waited to watch it. Put it in their high end DVD player, which played almost anything, scratched, broken, anything in HD.

The movie started...A lanky guy walks in, Mahesh Babu, he is called..

His first dialogue:

"Yavaru kodithe dimma thirigi mind block aithundo athadera Pandu"

Sadly, Arbaaz Khan had forgotten to get the subtitled version. No one ever watched South Indian movies, that he almost ignored them. He had these DVDs only because he was so dedicated to the only service where he could show off his talent.

They scrambled to the nearest laptop. Google translate.

The sentence translated to this:

"He who beats, your head turns, mind blocks, he only Fruit"

Yes, Pandu is the name of the hero in Pokiri and Pandu means fruit. Don't ask me why, Now lets continue with the story

Everyone was dumbstruck at the enormity of the dialogue. It was amazing. A new star was born, not Mahesh Babu, it was

SOUTH INDIAN CINEMA.

It had arrived. Finally

From that day onwards, Arbaaz's section of "South Indian Classics" has been used and abused and over-used.

And that is how Kaamu, All thanks to Laffu's idea, we are getting to watch wonderful movies like "Wanted", "Singham", "Ready", "Bodyguard" etc etc”

“This story doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid”

“No you are stupid”

“You said it has action! Where is the action??”

“Okay wait, the story is not yet over.”

“I thought the lame story is over!!”

I thought so too

“Anyway, Arbaaz gets a wild idea.

With all the balls that he has got, he gets up from the corner where he is sitting on the floor and declares,

“I want to act in this movie! I deserve this chance after all the work I’ve done.”

So, this is the point when all the directors come and start bashing him up. End of story”

“Get lost!!” said Kaamu exasperatedly.

She frowned, shrieked and ran away.

Good riddance! Bed time story, I’ll give you a bedtime story, eat it.