Bol Bachchan - A horrifically tragic movie

24 comments
Do not watch this movie. Period.

I implore you, I plead you, I warn you. Hell, I beg you in the name of humanity.

Okay, if you say your brain is slowly degenerating due to which you'll ignore my warning and still you want to watch it, Please read this tragic story before you go ahead.


If you are planning to laugh your guts out while watching Bol Bachchan, please carry a good joke book, or download a jokes app into your phone and keep reading it without paying heed to the horror unfolding on screen. No, you wont?  I'm telling you the movie will only make you cringe, make you wanna tighten your fists so hard that a clot will form in your nerve which will travel to your temples and explode there, your ears will resound and cause a shrieking headache. It took  twelve hours and a nutritious meal to rid myself of this ordeal. I do not want anyone else to undergo the same. Survivor's guilt, I'm helping you.

And so here I am, I will revisit the horror only to help someone in need. I know there are many hopeful victims, with stars in their eyes, and a smile on their innocent faces as they turn the newspaper and think, "3 and a half stars?..Hmmm, let me book tickets". This is for all of you.

The farce* starts with Asin delivering a dialogue, and the in the next minute you get to know that she is an art director for some benaami movie, upon which you start thinking, "Why the fuck was an art director delivering a dialogue??" Let me tell you, please stop thinking at this moment. I didn't do it, and look where I am! Anyway, the farce* continues, it takes more than fifteen minutes to actually make a layman and an einstein both wonder if its going to be a tragedy or an emotional drama or an action farce, but not even in the dark corners of your mind does the word comedy loom, and lo!

So coming back to the point, Muslim brother-sister duo, Abhishek and Asin end up in Ranakpur, and due to some unfathomably ridiculous circumstances have to pretend that they are Hindu, and in a stroke of genius, TV actor Krishna who should take my sincere advice should give up (over) acting altogether, tells squirrel brained Ajay Devgan that Abhishek's name is Abhishek Bachchan, and hence, the title. By the way, the farce unfolds with a farcical title track which seems like all three actors are having seizures in sherwanis and are stuck at "Bol Bachchan bol bachchan bol bachchan...".

It continues, you lose track of the number of Judwaa bhais and moms and doodhwalas, that you almost miss the entry of Prachi Desai in some weird pajamas, but five minutes later, you realise that the only reason she is in the movie is to promote the same weird pajamas, and try to make it a fashion statement, as your next seat waali says, "Wow! Don't her pajamas look good". I don't think she has as much screen time, as much blog-time I have given her. So, lets keep her aside.

The villain is a bloody fool, trying to kidnap Devgan's sis Prachi for no apparent reason. He can kill her at any goddamn time, for all we care. But no, he has to call up Ajay and inform him like a good bollywood villain always does and speed off in a new volvo bus. But behold, Ajay and Abhishek overtake him in a jiffy, take a U-turn and miraculously an engineering marvel in the form of a triangular nameplate appears, which is angled exactly to cause the jeep to slide in a trajectory that hits the glass of the bus, not high so that the jeep flies off never to be seen, not too low that it crunches below the bus wheels, but exactly at the centre of the glass. My god! If only the engineer had studied his heights and dimensions chapter properly, he wouldn't have to be assisting such shit movies.

All I can say is, Poor movie hall. I mean to play this movie, over and over again. Its just not fair, which in Ajay's world mean "Kaala". The movie hall would, if the movie hall could, shrink itself into oblivion like a black hole, and spew out this movie instead of absorbing it, with such force that it would travel miles and miles faster than the speed of light in the underground web of gutters and bathroom pipes and flush out with the greatest speed ever from the smelly confines of Rohit Shetty's potty, at the exact moment during which he crouches on it. And using the same physics of the jeep-bus collision, he is also propelled into Mars or any other speck on the universe that supports absolutely NO movie making infrastructure. Dude Rohit, just get lost. First Golmaal 1,2, 3 and now this? Die, Man, DIE!!

I have left out major horrendous details like the way Ajay Devgan says, "A brother in need is a sister indeed" and a gay Abhishek saying "Nadhindhinna". That Nadhindina, it still makes me shudder. Its for your own good, trust me. You want the details??!! You can't handle the details!

Mere Pitaji kaha kehte hai, "Don't desire something you haven't earned". I didn't listen to him and jumped like a jackass when I got free tickets to watch this movie. Now, I can't go back and erase the past, can I?

But as Abhishek Bachchan puts it, which may have been added as an afterthought for making this lame excuse of a movie, "Galti ki nahi jaati hai, but ho jaati hai!"

PS: It seems like Rohit wants the phrase "Bol Bachchan" to become a hot phrase. He keeps shoving it in our faces. Rohit, do you say "Inki Pinky Ponky, father had a donkey??" No?? Then even we won't say Bol Bachchan kardiya, its more embarrassing.

*FARCE= MOVIE














24 comments:

  1. What can I say, your revulsion throbs through your post, so much so, that not even Rohit Shetty is gonna watch this film after reading it.

    Superb piece.

    I've watched a few interviews of Rohit Shetty and he appears to be a reasonably intelligent man. I guess he deliberately makes such movies with such inexplicable idiocy & senselessness to convey his conscious attempt at creating a farce on screen. He makes no pretensions about it.

    But then, a bad movies is a bad movie and the audience shouldn't pretend otherwise too.

    Loved the Post. It's uproariously hilarious.

    Take a leaf, Shetty !!!

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    Replies
    1. Rohit shetty intelligent??..hmm, good for him :D..thanks for the kind words :)

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  2. Now that's a fine review for this seemingly horrible movie. I had already decided not to see this movie because the flashy poster and the not-so-catchy title "Bol Bachchan" was enough to make me look at the movie review with disgust. And after reading your horror story of sitting through this entire movie, I will pledge on my soul that I will never take a trip to the theaters to catch this movie. :P

    Directors like Rohit Shetty should know the difference between "comedy" and "down right stupid". Not all comedy movies should be made in a retarded manner!!

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    1. For Bollywood, comedy means retarded flicks like this one, sadly!

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  3. Even though I haven't taken the risk of watching the movie in a cinema hall - I'd still want my ticket money back after reading your review.

    Thanks for sounding the alarm bells on a tragedy that would have been worser than a cyclone cum Tsunami cum earthquake cum Volcanic eruption put together.

    I pray to the lord almighty that you come out of your 'depression' soon :D.

    Cheers :)

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  4. ooohhhhh free tickets. The world makes sense again.

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  5. thats why they say nothing is FREE and if its free then there is some sort of hidden agenda :) no one wanted to see the movie so to fill the hall free tickets he he he he he

    right i wont be going ot see the movie PAKKA :)

    Bikram's

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  6. So bad ah? Thank God I haven't watched the film yet :) Great review.

    Here, check out my passion for cinema - http://movieroundup.in/

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  7. Thanks for the review, now that crosses one movie off my watch list for the week :D ..

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  8. what more can we except from the makers of mindless movies, btw nice review indeed :)

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  9. As it is i was not at all inclined to promote this bachhan saga---but your review compensated rather substituted the need to see a comedy-so hilarious...at first i had passed this post by,but then good luck prevailed & here i am.

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    1. Pls dont pass my posts by..ill feel bad :D

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  10. LOL... Now that's a f**ked up movie.

    Must give you credit; you sat for the entire 3 hours.

    P.S. My mom loved this movie ;)

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  11. To all u blog hogs well entertainment was there just for u to enjoy. Maybe u don't see posters and watch all those dumb comments just go watch and laugh till u can't no more. Laugher is after all the best medicine well this desi vinglish movie very funny. I don't speak no senselike you only good sense. So stop chirpping and enoy bol bol bachan

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  12. So mr who ever u are well if ur not familiar with bollywood movies of action sequences and car crashes which are beyond imagination. Well I would say mr u missed the best parts rather than drawing up ur dumb volvo buses

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  13. Someone commented on pjamas u dumbo. If u have degenaration of ur brain get it examined by a neurologist and come back. That's fashion for ladies u dingbat won't understand. Well its not ur superficial soaps u see on the idiot box daily. This is even more larger if it did not make sense in the movie of a story well afterall it was the comedy which left a audience more. Engrossed so don't waste ur time preventing others to see ur shutty views. Well let others see and tell. So say boLllllllllll bachchchcchannnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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    Replies
    1. Seems like Abhishek Bachchan himself is commenting on my blog..lol..:D

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    2. i THINK THE MOVVYY SUX.. AND YEAH THE WHOLE IDEA OF FUNNY PYJAMAS WAS JUST AS RIDICULUS..
      gOSH yOU ACTUALLY WATCHED THE FULL MOVIE.. iT WAS TORTURE..


      p.s. : i AM SORRY IF YOU ARE aMITABH bACHHAN OR aBHISHEK bACHHAN.. ;)

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  14. What a review. Would get reminded of this first thing even if I were to come across the movie free on TV later :)

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  15. I bet no one can rip this movie apart anymore than you just did. Hilarious review of the dire consequences of even venturing near a theater (doomed) that is playing this movie. :)

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