The Corporate Bhagvad Gita

Dear Arjuna,

I know you are having a hard time at your job. Here are some golden rules that have to be followed while working. I did not tell you all this in Kurukshetra as I never expected you to become a software engineer after wasting all your life in Kshatriya training, but as they say, anyone with any skill can become a software engineer, I should've guessed.

Anyway, listen carefully. Here are the rules:

1) The Bucket Rule:

This is the most important rule if you have to come up in corporate life. You've got to suck up to every single piece of bloody ass you come across, and there's an added advantage, you may end up with a pout like Angelina Jolie's. Repeat this rule like a mantra and your chances of getting that dream appraisal will be multiplied by 100.

All you've got to do is nod your head at all the things your supervisor says, even though you know that the guy doesn't know shit about what he's talking. This is called "Bucket Pakadna". 

In short, Just do whatever you do with me.

2) Stay late at office:

People usually misunderstand this rule. You see, "staying" late need not necassarily mean "working" late. This brings you into the limelight. How many times haven't you seen managers in their fake pep talks tell stuff like, "Shekhar really needs a big round of applause, team..He slogged his ass off the whole weekend to get an issue fixed". You know that all Shekhar was doing the whole weekend was chat with his long distance girlfriend on the office phone and watch movies on Youtube, but who will listen to you?. You finished your work early and left on friday afternoon itself, how selfish!

Ask Shakuni mama for tips on how to do things like this, he is an expert. He will also teach you how to start quarrels within the team.

3) Act innocent:

This is one more effective piece of Drama. It works wonders, but only at the starting phase of your career. What you've got to do is act like little red riding hood. Act like you don't know anything, then miraculously, people expect very little from you. Its like how when a small baby starts taking its first steps, the parents get all excited like its their big achievement. Now picture yourself as the baby and your supervisor as your mom. Wow!

Think of Nakula and Sahadeva, I mean do people expect anything from them?

4) Don't work:

This is the golden rule. Everyone works, right. When appraisal time comes, you are compared with everyone else. So why did Geetha get a better rating than you? I'll tell you why, when you were slogging your ass off, Geetha was busy arranging lunches for the clients, booking conference rooms for managers and having tea with the TLs, while slipping in a little work here and there. 

Just remember how your brother Dharmaraya suffers day in and day out, he gets absolutely no credit for anything, do you want to be like him?

5) The carbon copy rule:

Whenever you do something, even a trivial thing like moving a pen from one corner to another, draft a mail to your manager explaining its significance and put the whole world in cc.

Just think of how Karna keeps Duryodhana in loop for everything he does and gets recognition.

You've got to learn this and learn it fast, Arjuna, otherwise you are going to rot!

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti hi..